


The Babysitters of Exandria

by sunnynights



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Babysitting, Family, Gen, Post-Canon, Post-Vecna Arc (Critical Role), teaching children life lessons, vox machina - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 12:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22496413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnynights/pseuds/sunnynights
Summary: When all of their friends set off on a couples cruise vacation, Grog and Keyleth take on the hardest beast either of them has ever faced: taking care of children.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

Grog frowned. “I just don’t understand why you want to live on a boat.”

Pike looked up from the blouse she was folding and gave him a smile. “Oh Grog, it’s not just a boat. It’s a couples cruise! There will be drinks and music and all sorts of fun stuff. And we’ll only be on the boat for a few days, the rest will be at beaches. We leave from Port Damali, spend a day on the island of Rumblecusp, go to Nicodranas, and then come back to Port Damali. We’ll be back before the week is out.”

Grog nodded, pretending to be listening, but the frown didn’t subside. “But I’ll miss you.”

“Oh Grog,” Pike walked over to her big friend and gave him a hug. “We’ll miss you too. You’ll be so busy with the kids that you won’t even notice that we’re gone.”

“But what if pirates attack your boat?”

“I don’t think we’ll run into pirates on the Menagerie Coast.”

“Besides,” Scanlan walked into the room, a ridiculous admiral’s hat atop his head. “Have you seen the gang we’re taking with us? This is gonna be the safest love boat Wildemount has ever seen.”

Pike turned to him. “Have you finished packing?”

He waggled his eyebrows. “I didn’t think we’d need clothes for this trip.”

Pike sighed and went back to folding, but her face was definitely flushed. Scanlan turned his attention to Grog.

“Big guy, I hope you’re ready for the nightmare to begin.”

Grog cocked his head. “I’ve taken care of Celeste before. I think I can handle a few more.”

Scanlan cackled. “Celeste is the easy one, it’s the other six that’ll drive you mad. Have you spent time with Percy and Vex’s daughters? They must take after their mother, little devils.” He ducked as Pike threw a shirt at his head.

“Don’t say that, you’ll scare him. Grog, you’ll be fine. Keyleth will be there helping you the whole time. You fight monsters for a living, I think you can manage this."

As if on cue, little Celeste Trickfoot Shorthalt raced through the door yelling, "I'm a monstah!" She jumped mid-run and swung her arms around Grog's ankle. Pike smiled warmly at her daughter and looked up at Grog.

"See? She loves you, and I'm sure the others will too."

Celeste beamed as she slid down the goliath's leg. "Grog, what's a swingers club?"

Pike stared at her, mouth agape, before turning to see Scanlan attempting a sneaky escape from the room. He broke into a full sprint, laughing as she chased after him.

"For the last damn time Shorthalt, there is no swinger's club on the cruise!"

"Okay, but what if there _was?_ Wait, put down the mace!"

Grog sat down on the bed, detaching the young gnome from his leg and placing her on his lap.

"What about you, how do you think this week is gonna go?"

"I will miss mama and papa, but I can't wait to spend it with you! Will you give me one of your special Grand Poobah tours of Whitestone?"

"Only if you help me write swear words in all the books in the castle library."

"Deal!" She grinned and held out her hand. Grog shook it, his massive hand looking more like a bear's paw as it enveloped hers. He had been on all kinds of adventures in his years, and the main goal was always the same: protect the little ones. And while the little ones were now a little, well, _littler_ than he was used to, he was pretty sure that this week would go off without a hitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again with that Uncle Grog content! Stay tuned, friends ;))))))


	2. Chapter 2

"Keyleth, you're the Voice of the Tempest. What makes you think you can't lead a bunch of kids?"

"What if they get sick? Or they might fight, or get hurt. What if I lose one? Vex, _what do I do if I l lose one!?_ "

Vex'halia put the last of her bags on Trinket's back and patted him on the head as he dutifully carried them outside. "You're not going to lose them. But if you have to, lose one of the twins, they both know how to track."

Keyleth looked at Percival with pleading eyes.

He cleared his throat. "Darling, maybe we should..."

His sentence was stopped short by Vex spinning on her heels, grabbing him by his lapels, and pulling him close with a glare. "Percival de Rolo, I love these children more than anything in this life. But if I don't get this vacation far far away from them, I am going to burn down your family's legacy one brick at a time."

He fixed his spectacles and gave Keyleth a nervous thumbs up. "You're going to do great!"

They made their way down to the center of Whitestone. Everyone else was there waiting for them. Zahra and Kashaw argued to their daughter Adira, a young pink half-tiefling with golden eyes, that no, she absolutely could not be left home alone. Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo IV stood nearby, glancing shyly at her. Scanlan and Pike were there along with Grog, who had Celeste atop his shoulder. The twins, Elaina and Johanna, brawled on the ground. Vax'ildan launched himself at his parents and began to cry, begging them not to leave. A nursemaid, who had been holding little Courage, looked ready to hand the baby off to Keyleth.

Allura and Kima stood some distance away from this display. Kima leaned in towards her wife and asked in a harsh whisper, "Do you want kids?"

"Nope."

"Oh thank Bahamut."

Vex clapped her hands. "Alright everyone, make sure you've got everything. Tickets, swimsuits, towels."

"I hope you two packed _protection_ ," Scanlan called out.

Vex shot him a lethal scowl. "I bet Kaylie’s mother thought the same thing. Anyways, when we get there we'll meet Tary and Lawrence, and we'll have two hours before we have to board. Everyone ready?" After hearing a satisfactory number of cheers, she turned to give Keyleth a big hug. "Thank you so much for this. I trust you completely."

Keyleth swallowed nervously and approached the Suntree. She was stopped by Allura, who held out a silver mirror.

"Here, take this. You can use it to talk to us for ten minutes, three times a day. Just in case."

Keyleth took the mirror graciously and slipped in into the pocket of her dress. She stepped forward and placed her palm on the Sun Tree, feeling the rough bark beneath her fingers. Looking at its immense stature, its expanse of green leaves and white flowers, it was crazy to Keyleth how lifeless it had been back then. A lot had been different back then, at the beginning of Vox Machina's adventures. Had she flourished as much as the Sun Tree?

"Do you think I'm going to do a good job?" she asked quietly as she cast Transport via Plants. The warmth emanating from where her hand was placed seemed to be a yes. She stepped out of the way as the couples yelled their final goodbyes and raced through the tree. In six seconds, she was left alone with Grog, Trinket, and a horde of children. The Sun Tree better not have fucking lied to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that Vesper Elaina is not in this fic, not because I have some grudge against a fictional child, but because I named some quarterelf de Rolos in my fic 'The Lives They Fought For' (shameless self promo go read it) and I kinda like maintaining that continuity


	3. Chapter 3

Keyleth, Grog, and Trinket herded the children back towards Whitestone Castle. Upon making it inside, she turned to face them with a determined smile. “Alright, everyone! What do you say we...”

Elaina and Johanna ignored her and flanked Adira. “Do you want to come to our room and see all our stuff?” they asked excitedly.

“Sure, whatever.”

The twins shoved at each other in a race up the stairs, while Adira walked behind in no hurry. Percy made a move to follow, but his sisters hollered at him that no boys were allowed. He trudged back dejectedly. Trinket, seemingly exempt to the rule, ambled up the stairs to watch over them.

Keyleth’s smile wavered. “Um, okay then. That’s fine too.”

Grog lifted Celeste off his shoulder and held her out in front of him. “Don’t you want to go play with the other girls?”

She kicked her legs as she dangled far off the ground. “I wanna go on a tour! The Grand Poobah tour!”

“Right. That tour. Because I’m the Grand Poobah.” It has been a while since he had last visited Whitestone. And it wasn’t like he didn’t take his royal duties seriously, he just maybe couldn’t remember where everything was. But this had to be the best tour for Celeste.

Grog walked over to Percy and put on his most regal voice. “Ahem. Would you happen to be Percival Freddy Muscle Colonoscopy the Third?”

The boy gave him a strange look. “Please, just call me Percy. And the third would be my father, I’m the fourth.”

The gears turned in Grog’s head. “Ah shit, I’m not so hot on the numbers. Anyways, as the heir to the Whitestone throne, it’s time you began preparations.”

“Is this some sort of game?”

“Leadership is no _game_ , young man. Your first job is to assist me in giving this young lady,” He held out the giggling little gnome. “A tour of your city.”

Percy cracked a smile. “Alright. I guess we can start with the castle.”

As Grog looked to Keyleth, she nodded in approval. “I’ll watch Vax and Courage. Make sure to bring them back by dinner time.”

He hoisted Celeste back onto his shoulder and took off at a pace Percy struggled to match. “First stop, wherever the fuck they keep my hat.”

——————————————————

Cradling the baby, Keyleth led the remaining child to a quiet den. She went to light the fireplace but decided against it. Instead, she sat down beside Vax’ildan. He looked up at her silently, his cheeks still tear-stained. She wiped them with her sleeve, played with his long black hair.

“Do you miss them? Your parents?”

He nodded.

“That’s okay, I miss them too. I miss a lot of people.” She began braiding his hair, druidcrafting small flowers to intertwine it with. “But I always remember that no matter where they go, I’ll be thinking of them. And they’ll be thinking of me too. I bet your mom and dad are thinking of you right now. As long as you think of each other, you’ll never be alone.”

She pulled her hands away to admire her handiwork and felt a stab in her heart as he smiled. He looked just like his namesake. Pale, with dark hair and intense eyes and just the most beautiful smile.

Vax’ildan stood up. “I should draw them a picture,” he said. “That way, I can look at it and think about them. Stay here, I’ll get my notebook.” He ran out of the room.

Keyleth curled up on the sofa, holding the baby tighter to her. Courage, an unusual name to say the least. Scanlan loved to joke that it was because of all the liquid courage consumed before his conception, but she knew the real reason. Vex had confided that this last pregnancy had been an especially difficult and dangerous one, and as such was probably her last. Keyleth couldn’t imagine the kind of fear they had endured, to almost lose a loved one before he even got the chance to live. The child, born with a head full of white hair from the stress, was truly a symbol of perseverance.

Vax’ildan returned with a stack of notebooks and a little metal box. He set them down on a table and opened one of the notebooks to a blank page. Retrieving a bit of charcoal from the box, he began his drawing. Keyleth reached for a book but quickly retracted her hand.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I allowed to look?“

“I usually don’t let people see my drawings. But I guess it’s okay if you do, just this once.”

She picked up a notebook from the stack and flipped through it. The pictures inside were _breathtaking_. The detail and shading were far beyond what she would have expected from a child. Lifelike portraits of Vex, Percy, Trinket, his siblings. Sketches of various buildings in Whitestone. Pictures of moving water, plants swaying in the wind, animals. She froze when she got to a page with a big black bird: a raven sitting on a wall, about to take flight.

Vax’ildan looked over at her. “Is that the raven? My mom really liked watching it, so I drew a picture before it flew away. Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful. And it reminds me of someone I miss. Do you know who...never mind. Yes, I really like it.”

Vax’ildan took the book from her, and before she could react, he tore out the page and handed it to her.

“You keep it. That way, you can keep thinking about the person you miss and you won’t be alone.”

She laid Courage down on her lap to free her hands. She then carefully folded the drawing, making sure she didn’t crease it too harshly and held it close to her heart. 

“Thank you.” Tears began to well up in her eyes. “I never stop thinking about him.”


	4. Chapter 4

Adira hung on to Grog’s back as he made his way down the stairs, her arms wrapped around his neck. Johanna sat on his shoulder and Elaina was tucked under his arm upside down. The girls squealed with laughter as he lumbered to the dining hall and deposited them in their seats around the massive table. Servants came in and out, wielding enormous platters of breakfast foods.

“You’re really strong!” Adira marveled, filling a plate with pancakes. “Like, even stronger than my dad.”

“He’s a big jungle gym!” Elaina added. She and her sister and immediately began stuffing their faces to see who could eat more than the other.

Grog flexed his arms. “Damn right! And that right there, that is some good eating technique. Just no stabbing each other with a fork, we don’t want a repeat of last night.”

He looked over at Keyleth, sitting with the baby in one hand and her head resting on the other. A sizable cup of steaming coffee was brought to her by a servant, and she thanked him profusely.

“You look like shit.”

“Wow, thanks Grog. Just what I needed. Where’s Celeste?”

“I didn’t want to wake her. Little thing was all worn out from yesterday.”

“Her and me both. The baby kept me up all night. And once I finally got him to go to sleep, Vax’ildan woke him because he had a nightmare.”

Grog nudged her. “Not the only time Vax kept you up at night, am I right?”

Keyleth ignored him. “And even when Courage was asleep, I stayed up to watch him because what if he stopped breathing? Grog, what do you do when a baby stops breathing!?”

“Keyleth, you’re freaking the fuck out. No one coddled me as a baby and I turned out just fine.”

He posed, his chest out and his chin held high. Keyleth looked even more worried than before.

“But if it makes you feel better, I’ll help with the baby today.”

Grog felt a tap on his side. He looked down to see Percy, looking nervous.

“Um, hi Grog. I was just wondering if...you know, after breakfast. You would, I don’t know, teach me how to fight a little?”

Grog’s eyes lit up, and his face widened into a smile that made Percy already begin to regret his decision. He grabbed the boy’s face with two hands and brought it close. “You,” he breathed. “You are the only de Rolo I have ever respected.”

Before Percy could react, he was hoisted over Grog’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Grog grabbed an entire dish of sausages with his free hand and shot out of the castle.

“Keyleth, Elaina poured syrup on my glasses!”

Keyleth sighed and took a long draw from her coffee. “Thanks Grog, for all your help. This is fine! We’re fine.”

————————————————————

Grog made it a few hundred yards into the city before realizing he had no idea where he was going. 

Percy looked up from over Grog’s shoulder. “I guess we could go to the training grounds, where the Pale Guard are? But I was thinking we’d stay in the castle, like a courtyard or something.”

“The courtyards! Yes! That’s where we beat the shit outta Tary and Dory, it’s perfect.”

He made his way to an empty courtyard and set the boy down. “Now Percy,” he said, raising his fists. _“Where do you find your strength?”_

Percy meekly put up his hands in defense. “Um, my friends?”

“Oh shit, you’re already a master warrior. Let me go get my Titanstone Knuckes.”

“Grog, you told me that story ages ago. I just want to learn how to hit things.”

“Well, you can’t do it with those little baby hands of yours.” Grog walked to a nearby tree and broke off a long branch. “This is your sword,” he said, handing it to Percy. “If it talks to you, you should probably tell someone.”

Percy took the branch and almost fell over from its heft. He held it up, his arms wavering, and nodded with determination. “Got it. Now what?”

“Now you hit me with it. Aim for my weak spots.”

Percy stepped forward, branch wobbling, and weakly smacked Grog on the leg. He was already beginning to sweat. “Where are your weak spots?”

“I haven’t got any.” He lifted Percy’s arm, adjusted his posture. “Let’s start at the beginning. Both hands on the weapon, swing on three.”

——————————————————

Keyleth watched Vax’ildan wail as Johanna maliciously ate the last blueberry muffin. She knew she should probably comfort him, but she didn’t want to disturb Courage, who had finally begun drinking from his bottle. She glanced over to the stairs and saw a little gnome coming downstairs, rubbing her eyes with a frown.

“Good morning, Celeste.”

“Where’s Grog? He always wakes me up.”

“He wanted to let you sleep in. Do you like sandwiches?”

Keyleth helped Celeste into a chair. She pulled a peanut butter and jelly sandwich off a platter and placed it on the plate in front of her. She went to go pour a glass of milk for the girl, and returned to find her looking sullenly at her food.

“Grog always cuts my sandwiches in half for me.”

Keyleth obliged, running a knife across the sandwich. To her exasperation, Celeste still pouted. 

“When Grog does it, he cuts it into triangles. And he takes the crust off. And he does it with an axe.”

“That’s...a very Grog way of doing it. And also very unsanitary.”

Celeste stood up on her chair. “Where is he?” she asked, looking around the room. “He’ll know how to do it right.”

“He went out with Percival. I’m sure he’ll be back, but until then just eat your breakfast.“

“He carried the three of us,” Adira piped up. “All the way from the bedroom to here. It was so cool.”

Celeste deflated. She got down from her seat. “I’m not so hungry,” she mumbled as she walked out of the dining hall. “I’ll just read a book until he gets back.”

Keyleth put her head on the table, ignoring Vax'ildan screech as Johanna dipped his hair in orange juice. Courage cooed in her lap. She smiled and tickled his stomach.

“At least you listen to me.”

Courage spit up on her dress and clapped his hands.

“Yeah, that feels about right.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Alright, that’s enough for now. We’ll pick back up during afternoon training.”

Percy threw the branch down, his palms rubbed raw from the rough bark and his knuckles bruised from their hand-to-hand combat practice. He had sweat completely through his clothes and his limbs ached. He looked up at Grog incredulously, his breath ragged. _“Afternoon practice?“_

“Well, yeah. Did you think becoming a warrior would be easy?”

Percy sat down on the grass. “Well, I don’t want it that badly.”

Grog knelt beside him. “Why did you wanna learn, then?”

He looked away, hiding the flush rising to his cheeks. “I just...I thought it might impress someone.”

Grog patted Percy on the shoulder hard enough to make him wince. “Percy, I still love you even though you can’t fight.”

“What? No!” The boy grew even redder as he fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “I wanted to impress Adira.”

“Adira?”

“She’s a really good fighter, and I thought if I learned how to fight then she might notice me.” He looked at Grog. “Is that stupid?”

Grog stood up and held his hand out. Percy took it, standing up. "I don't know much about this love kinda stuff, but you shouldn't do something you don't like to impress someone."

“Well, what should I do?”

“Have you tried talking to her?”

“But what do I say? And what if I say the wrong thing and she thinks I’m an idiot?”

Grog laughed. "Now you're starting to sound like Keyleth. Don't think so much, it doesn't get you anywhere." He froze. "Oh shit, Keyleth! She's been watching the kids by herself, we gotta go help her."

"Please don't pick me up aga..."

Grog ignored his protests and scooped up Percy before bounding back to the castle.

——————————————————

Keyleth sighed in relief as Courage finally stopped fussing and went down for a nap. She gently laid him in his crib and tiptoed out of the room, pausing to grab the silver mirror off the dresser. As she walked down the corridor, she inspected herself in the mirror, taking note of her wild hair and exhausted eyes. This was turning out to be harder than she thought. Adira seemed uninterested in everything she had to say, Vax'ildan wouldn't stop whining, the twins were constantly locked in a battle to the death, Courage was always crying, and Celeste was nowhere to be found.

She glanced at the mirror again. She knew she shouldn't disturb her friends' vacation. They would lie and assure her that it wasn't an inconvenience, but she knew it would be unwelcome when they're trying to relax. She knew she shouldn't, but she had to. Keyleth needed to talk to someone that wasn't a child or she would go mad. She ducked into an empty bedroom and closed the door before holding the mirror up to summon Allura.

The person that answered wasn’t Allura. His pristine golden hair looked disheveled. His eyes raced as he held the mirror in one hand and wielded a makeshift spear fashioned from a broken oar in the other. Still, he flashed Keyleth his usual dashing smile.

"Hello there, Antlers! Not really the best time!"

Keyleth frowned. "Tary, where's Allura?"

"She's a little preoccupied at the moment..." Tary shouted out at something beyond the mirror. "Lawrence, _please_ don't bleed on my towel, I only brought the one."

"What is going on?"

"I had assumed that a cruise this expensive would have free towels, but apparently..."

"Tary!"

"Oh, right now? We seem to have been intercepted by pirates."

_"What?"_

"I know! It wasn't in the brochures at all."

"Is everyone okay? Do you need help?"

"We can hold our own. You go watch those kids! This is going to be fun, fun..."

Keyleth heard the crunch of shattering glass, and the mirror's surface reverted to displaying her reflection. She shook the mirror, tapping it frantically. "No, no no, _fuck,_ " It came out louder than she intended, and she winced at the sound of a crying child that followed. Keyleth raced back to Courage's room and lifted him into her arms, trying to quell his wails. As she rocked and bounced and shooshed to no avail, she was joined by Grog and Percy, who had just returned to the castle and were drawn to the noise. She scowled at the pair.

"You," Keyleth pointed at Percy, then out the door. "Go take a shower." Between his screaming brother, his own exhaustion, and Keyleth's lethal glare, he left without protest. She then turned her attention to Grog. "Where the fuck have you been?"

"I was just teaching..."

"I have been running myself _ragged_ all day. Take Courage for a bit. I need to go scry on our friends, they might be in danger."

"Oh shit, what kind of danger?"

"Their boat is being attacked by pirates."

"I fuckin knew it." Grog reached out to take the baby, and Keyleth paused.

"Grog, listen to me carefully. You cannot hold him too hard, drop him, or shake him. Treat him like a very full flagon of ale."

"Don't talk down to me Keyleth, I helped raise Celeste." He took Courage from Keyleth's hesitant hands. To her chagrin, Courage almost immediately stopped crying, pudgy hands reaching for his beard. Grog grinned. "Where is Celeste anyways?"

"I have no idea."

"You _lost_ her!?"

Keyleth was already running towards her room. She slammed the door shut and retrieved from her bag a ball of clear crystal. She sat crosslegged on the bed, concentrating on the scrying orb. As she directed its arcane power, she pictured the face of Vex'halia and felt her vision rise into the sky. It was cast out of Whitestone, out of Tal'Dorei, and into the Lucidian Ocean. Finally, her sight focused on her friend. The air was hazy with black powder. Vex'halia broke away the fray and raced towards a huddle of injured cruise-goers. She smiled as she brushed her long hair out of her face and cast Healing Word. Their cuts closed up and they stumbled to their feet, heeding her command to head below deck. A pterodactyl that Keyleth assumed was Scanlan flew over Vex's head, grabbing a pirate and flinging him into the water. On the periphery of her senses, Keyleth saw the flashes of blue arcane energy and golden divine power. From farther beyond that came Kima's shouts, having a little too much fun. "Ha! And you wondered why I brought a weapon on vacation."

Percy staggered over to his wife, wielding a pirate's cutlass. He leaned on her, catching his breath. "I am so out of shape."

She kissed him on the cheek, grinning as she grasped the rope-cutting knife. "Is it bad that I'm enjoying this?" They stood back to back, fending off a horde of pirates. He slashed, she stabbed. "Gods, it's like we're young again."

A pirate screamed in agony as Percy came down on his arm. "Do you, uh, remember how we used to celebrate winning a fight?"

Vex'halia plunged the knife up to the hilt into a chest. She gave Percy a wink as she retracted the blade. "Save some energy for later, I wanna..."

Keyleth shook her head and forced herself out of the vision. _Gross._ But she was relieved that her friends were doing okay. Keyleth swung her legs off the bed and headed out into the main hall. She found Grog in a den, lifting all the couches several feet into the air.

"Everything is fine. I talked to Tary earlier, and I saw everyone else while scrying. But I still feel like we should call someone? I don't know what exactly...You're not listening to me."

Grog had moved on to shifting desks and drawers, throwing their contents haphazardly. "I can't find Celeste."

"Where is Courage?"

"I gave him to Percy and Adira. Keyleth, _I can't fuckin find Celeste._ "

She looked at the goliath, and for the first time in many _many_ years, he looked afraid. His eyes frantic, filled with guilt and worry. Despite her own anxiety, she needed to be the level headed one. "It's going to be okay, Grog. We need to stay calm. Where are Percy and Adira?"

"What if she's hurt? What if someone took her?"

"Grog, please."

"They're in the library."

"Okay, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go check on Courage and ask Adira if she's seen Celeste. You can keep searching the rooms. Then, we'll go look upstairs. Got it?"

Keyleth took his hand, clutching it tightly until he looked at her and nodded meekly. He left to go turn over a new room, while Keyleth headed to the castle library. It was expansive, filled with rows and rows of books. Some were as ancient as Whitestone itself, filled with history and legacy, while others were newer additions collected by Percy over the last twenty years in the rebuilding of his city. Between shelves came the voices of the younger Percy and Adira, talking animatedly. Keyleth followed the sound to a small sitting area. Percy, hair still wet from his bath, bounced his baby brother on his knee while Adira pointed at images in an old tome.

Adira looked up at Keyleth's arrival. "Hi, what do you want?"

"I just wanted to see what you were up to."

"We're reading."

"I, uh, I can see that. What are you reading?"

"A book."

Keyleth winced. "Cool, very cool. What kind of book?"

"It's about wars and battle strategies in the old days. My dad loves this stuff, he's always talking about it. I didn't know Percy was into it too." Adira regarded Percy with casual respect. He busied himself with Courage to draw away from his flush.

"That's great. You...you wouldn't happen to have seen Celeste, would you?"

"Why, did you lose her or something?"

"Nope! Not at all. You guys are good, right? Cool cool cool, I'll come back before dinner bye!"

Adira watched Keyleth disappear behind the shelves. She rolled her eyes and turned to Percy, who was still playing with Courage. "Is she always like this?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

Keyleth walked down the corridor, mentally preparing for the search mission she and Grog were about to start. Celeste had gone to her room at breakfast time. They hadn't noticed she was gone until lunch. Maybe she slipped out to go find Grog? No, even if they hadn't seen her leave, surely the castle guards would have. Besides, all of Whitestone knew she was Pike and Scanlan's daughter. Celeste _had_ to be somewhere inside. What had she been wearing today? Keyleth could try a Locate Object spell. Or she could scry again, gods, why hadn't she thought of that? Keyleth could hear Grog rummaging through a bedroom and went towards the sound. She entered and saw the tears streaming down his face as he searched, deaf to the world. Keyleth opened her mouth to speak when she was interrupted by the thud of something falling, followed by ear-piercing screams.

Grog and Keyleth glanced at each other, and then like twin bolts of lightning raced into the main hall to see what the commotion was. At the top of the stairway was Johanna, holding her spectacles. The metal was bent at awkward angles, the lenses cracked. And at the bottom on the stairs, wailing was Elaina. She held a hand over her mouth as it leaked with blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is criminal how little screentime I give Adira. A bubblegum pink, low charisma, 13-year-old asshole basically raised in the Slayer's Take? Sign me tf up


	6. Chapter 6

Johanna and Elaina squirmed in unison against Grog. He held one under each arm, as far apart as possible. Elaina tried to bite his hand, an already ineffective move further weakened by her new lack of front teeth.

Keyleth paced in front of them, her face in her hands. Finally, she took a deep breath and looked at the pair. "Let's try this again, without the screaming and fighting. Johanna," The girl in question squinted at her name. "Why did you push your sister down the stairs?"

"She broke my glasses!"

"Okay, so Elaina, why did you break her glasses?"

"Because she borrowed my bow and broke the string!"

"Well, you cut the hair off my doll!" Johanna interrupted.

"Only because you ripped the dress that grandfather bought me! You're just jealous that he likes me better." 

"So? Father likes me better."

Elaina's face grew red with anger. "He does not!"

"Does too!" The twins kicked and swung their legs as they squabbled.

"Quiet!" barked Grog. Johanna and Elaina grew silent at him raising his voice. "Why are you two always fighting?"

"Johanna is a bitch."

"Yeah? Well, you're an asshole douche!"

Keyleth just stared. "Where did you learn those words?"

"From mother," they said simultaneously.

"Fuck me," Grog mumbled, amused.

Keyleth glared at him, then massaged her temples. "Why can't you just get along? You're siblings, you're supposed to love each other."

Johanna scowled. "She's always taking my stuff and messing it up and she thinks she's better than me. And everyone thinks we're the same but we're not. You wouldn't get it, you don't have a sister."

Grog spoke up. "I had a cousin named Zanror. Growing up, we would always fight. I beat the shit out of him constantly, and we fuckin hated each other. But then I realized that while fighting is great and all, it can't solve every problem. We had to forgive and work together."

Keyleth nodded. "Your parents both had siblings. Percival and Cassandra didn't get along as kids, and then a lot of things happened that made things complicated. But he knew that Cass was family, she was the only one who understood what he was going through. Now they love each other and work together every day to lead Whitestone. And your mother. Vax'ildan was all she had for so long." Keyleth's voice wavered but she pushed through. "Sometimes they disagreed, sometimes things got hard, but they _always_ loved each other more than anything. He gave his life for her."

Grog let go of the girls. "You don't have to get along because you're related. Get along because strength comes from friendship."

Johanna reached towards her sister. Elaina winced, preparing to be hit, but Johanna held out a handkerchief. "You, uh, you're bleeding again. I'm sorry that I pushed you."

"That's okay," Elaina said as she took the peace offering. "Those teeth were wiggly anyways."

"I wish mine were. Percy told me that you can get money from the Tooth Fey if you sleep with it under your pillow."

"Here," Elaina handed her sister a small bloody tooth. "We can share."

Keyleth smiled uneasily as the tooth exchanged hands. "That's...nice. Are you two going to be okay?" They nodded.

Grog took their hands. "No more fighting. Let's go play downstairs and give Keyleth a break." As he walked past Keyleth, he gave her a look. A silent plea to get back to finding for Celeste.

Keyleth watched them descend the stairs before turning and casting Locate Object on the Sarenrae pendant Celeste dutifully wore around her neck. She felt the draw of the spell pulling her in the right direction, and relieved that Celeste was within a thousand feet, she followed the sense to a panel in the wall. It was one of Percy's inventions: a box with a pulley system that could travel between floors of the castle through a vertical shaft. This one went down to the kitchen for easy access to food, so it didn't surprise Keyleth to open the door and find the little gnome with a plate of stale sandwiches. She steeled herself, trying to stay calm.

"Celeste, why are you in the dumbwaiter?"

"I got hungry," she responded with a mouth full of bread.

Keyleth held out her hand to help the girl out of the box. "You should have come downstairs for lunch. Grog and I have been looking everywhere for you."

Celeste perked up at her friend's name but tried to disguise her reaction, backing farther in and crossing her arms across her chest. "I thought Grog was too busy playing with the other kids."

"Celeste, are you jealous that Grog didn't spend time with you today?"

"No."

"Do you want to come out and talk about it?"

Celeste shut the panel. _"No."_

Keyleth stared at the small square door when an idea blossomed in her head. But for it to work, she had to get Celeste downstairs. She knocked, and Celeste slid the panel open by a hair and looked out with one eye. "It's dinner time. At least take the dumbwaiter down and have some real food. You don't even have to get out."

A long pause, and then came a mumbled _okay_ as the door shut again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you ever just use excessive dialogue bc you don't know how to be a writer  
> Percy invented the dumbwaiter and you can't argue with those historical facts


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm not hungry, I want to look for Celeste."

"Grog, trust me." Keyleth pushed the hulking goliath to the dining hall. "I really think you should come sit with us."

The other children had already taken their seats around the table. Percy cradled a sleeping Courage as Adira sat beside him and stared, as if seeing him in a brand new light. Johanna chattered away as she braided Elaina's hair. Vax'ildan had his charcoal out and was deeply absorbed in his drawing, ignoring the world around him. Grog reluctantly sat down beside him, eyes downcast.

Keyleth clapped her hands. "Alright everyone, dinner is almost ready. Until then, why don't we do something fun?" She picked up the sizable book she had retrieved from the library. "Grog is going to read to us!" she said, shoving it into his hands.

"Kiki, I don't really feel like..."

"Please?"

He sighed and opened the book, squinting at the tiny text. "Whitestone Al...man..."

"Almanac," Percy interrupted.

"Right. Whitestone's Almanac for our year of Pelor, 724 P.D. First of Horisal, New Dawn. Catha will be a wanning,"

"Waning crescent."

"Cloudy, slight chance of pre...precip..." Grog glanced at Keyleth. "This is literally the most boring book I have ever seen."

"Yeah!" said Elaina. "It's like when Father talks about his clocks."

Adira rolled her eyes. "Doesn't help that Grog isn't exactly the best reader."

_"Shut up!"_

Everyone turned at the sound of a muffled shout from the wall. Keyleth raced over and slid open the door to the dumbwaiter. Celeste was on her feet, scowling. 

“He’s trying really hard, that’s all that matters.”

“Celeste!” Grog knocked his chair over as he bounded towards her. She allowed him to pick her up but didn't meet his eyes. "Where have you been?" his voice cracked.

Keyleth touched his arm. "Maybe you two should go somewhere and talk."

Grog barely heard her as he carried Celeste out of the hall, holding her tightly against himself like she might disappear at any second. As they entered the den, she kicked her legs violently.

 _”Put me down.”_ she said, her voice muffled in his chest.

Grog complied, placing her gently on a displaced couch. "I been looking all over for you!'

She crossed her arms, still not meeting his gaze. "I'm mad at you."

"Oh. Why?"

"You told me that you would play with me while we were here, but you just left for the whole day." Tears began to trail down her cheeks, and she wiped them away roughly. "You didn't even know that I was missing."

And even though he towered over the gnome by nearly six feet, Grog felt small. Her eyes were alight with anger, her nose turned up, her chin angled away from him, were all so reminiscent. She looked just like Scanlan. The memory of the day his best friend left Vox Machina returned to him so vividly that it was like being hit over the head. And the way the bard's lament made him feel, alone and betrayed, is what he made Celeste go through. He hadn't left her side since the day she was born.

Grog dropped to his knees, making the floorboards shake under him. "Did you hide because I wasn't there with you?"

Celeste nodded.

I'm real sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

She finally met his eyes with her knowing blue gaze. "It's okay. I just missed you."

Grog held his arms out, and Celeste threw hers around his neck. She giggled as he rubbed his beard against her cheek.

"Sometimes I gotta take care of these other kids because they're not as good as you. But you'll always be my favorite little one."

"You're my favorite big one!"

Their embrace was interrupted by the sounds of twin stomachs rumbling: one a light growl, the other like a raging thunderstorm. Grog pulled away, glancing at Celeste.

"Holy shit, was that you?"

"I'm really hungry. Can we go eat dinner?"

"If Johanna and Elaina leave any for the rest of us."

Celeste stood up, arms outstretched. "Carry me?"

Grog lifted her onto his shoulder, where she settled in like it was where she was meant to be. They made their way back to the dining hall, seating themselves at the table. Keyleth smiled as servants brought them plates and began doling out food.

"Great, we're all here. Vax, put away your pencils please."

Vax'ildan looked up for the first time in a while, just now noticing the goliath and the gnome beside him.

"Oh, you guys are back. I need to fix my drawing."

_"Vax,"_

He shoved his notebook onto his lap and without looking, continued sketching beneath the table. With how much Grog towered over him, he could see himself on the corner of the page. He smiled as Vax quickly added a little Celeste on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a shorter chapter, hope yall like it :)


	8. Chapter 8

Keyleth leaned against Trinket, soaking in the afternoon sun. She lazily cast the Gust cantrip to hold the children's kites aloft. Elaina and Johanna shared control over a behemoth red dragon, swooping down in an effort to knock Vax'ildan's raven out of the sky. Keyleth tried to look through the leaves for Percy and Adira in the boughs of a nearby tree.

"Are you okay with them climbing you?" she asked, touching the roots and casting Commune With Nature. The tree pulsed with warmth.

_It's all good. Not sure how I feel about them kissing though._

She smiled and averted her eyes. Instead, she watched Courage crawl on the ground, grabbing at flying bugs and the sun-dappled grass. Grog was nearby, practicing his numbers by counting how many times Celeste skipped rope. Keyleth was just about to settle deeper into Trinket's side when Allura's voice resonated in her mind.

_Hello Keyleth, we've decided to return home a bit early. We will be teleporting into the castle shortly._

Keyleth brightened. "Everyone," she called out. "Your parents are coming!"

Grog scooped up Courage and Celeste. Elaina, Johanna, and Vax'ildan dropped their kites and ran towards the castle. Adira deftly jumped out of the tree and waited for Percy to clamber down, his ears flushed red. They all made their way to the teleportation circle in Whitestone Castle, rebuilt after Vox Machina's defeat of the Briarwoods. The arcane sigils flashed and sparked. As it died down, Keyleth smiled warmly at the faces of her friends.

The de Rolo children rushed to their parents, nearly knocking them to their feet. Grog handed Percival the baby and lifted Scanlan and Pike into his arms, squeezing them a little too tightly against Celeste. Adira threw her arm around Zahra and dutifully bumped fists with Kashaw.

"It's, uh, a little cramped in here," Vex'halia choked out from underneath three of her children. She playfully pushed them off. "Johanna, where are your glasses?"

"Elaina broke them!" she replied cheerfully.

_"Again?"_

Percy adjusted his own spectacles as he stared at his other daughter. "Elaina, your teeth!" He looked at Keyleth. "What..."

"Ahaha, we don't have to do that right now," Keyleth shoved the crowd of people out the door. "Let's go sit down!"

The cadre stepped into the main hall, laughing and chatting. Servants carried in extra chairs and trays full of wine glasses as they settled down.

"So why are you guys back so soon?" Grog asked.

Scanlan leaned into his side as he played with Celeste's hair. "Because we missed youuu."

"After we kicked pirate ass, the boat went straight to Nicodranas for repairs." Kima finished her glass and picked up Allura's. "We hung out for a while and got bored, so Allie called up a friend of hers. Some wizard in a tower, Yeza?"

"Yussa," Allura corrected. "Everyone was getting a little homesick, so we decided to spend the last few days in Whitestone."

"We needed a vacation from that vacation," Percy summed up.

Grog nudged Pike. "I told you there would be pirates."

"Next time, take me and Grog with you." Celeste put her fists up. "We would have sunk the whole ship!"

"I don't doubt that," Pike said with a laugh. "But we let them go. Hopefully, the Squall-Eater learned their lesson."

"I admire your optimism, Pike. I'm sure they will never, ever pirate again." Tary stretched his legs across his husband's lap. "So, little ones, what all were you up to?"

Johanna, Elaina, and Celeste all started talking at once, filling the ears of anyone listening with the events of the last few days. The younger Percy and Adira looked away, suddenly enraptured by opposite sides of the room. Keyleth felt a tap on her shoulder. Vax'ildan looked up at her with big, round eyes.

"Are you going to leave now?"

Keyleth smiled at him. "Not yet. I'll still be around for a few days. But Grog has to go home with Celeste and her parents, and I need to go back to work."

He frowned. "You'll be alone."

"I know." She ruffled his hair. "I'll come see you guys again soon."

He pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket and carefully unfolded it for her to see. It was a charcoal drawing of them, all of them. Keyleth was holding Courage and had her arm on Vax'ildan's shoulder. Elaina and Johanna hugged each other, Percy and Adira held hands, and Celeste sat on Grog's shoulder.

"Here, it's for you. So you won't have to miss us." He held it out to her. "As long as we think of each other, you won't be alone."

Keyleth felt her eyes grow misty as she took the picture. As she slid it into the pocket of her dress, she saw Percival and Vex'halia watching her.

"He doesn't even let us look at his drawings," Percy marveled.

Vex'halia beamed. "Thank you. For everything." She held up her glass. "A toast, everyone. To Keyleth and Grog, the best babysitters in Exandria."

Keyleth and Grog shared a glance through the raised glasses from their friends and thunderous cheers from the children. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, and they already streamed from hers. Somehow, through all the years of adventuring, fighting, saving, slaying, and protecting, that title meant the most of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's where we'll end :) Thank you to everyone that read, commented, and gave kudos! As someone new to writing fanfiction, it really meant a lot knowing that others enjoyed my little story. And don't worry, this isn't the last you'll see of these kiddos ;)


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